Sean

Tue, 12 May 2009 21:14:46 GMT

I haven't updated for nearly 3 years. What's up LJ?

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 18:53:18 GMT

There's nothing like a good rant to draw Sean out of his disappearing act. Sorry kids, I've been absorbed with being married and the night-consuming responsibilities that come with it. Like playing all-night Scrabble tournaments and Project Runway marathons. (As an aside, if Michael doesn't win, I'm throwing my hand embroidery kit out the window and leaving my Singer Quantum XL-5000 to rust!)

This applies to Myspace, Facebook, AIM profiles, and any other online medium where narcissistic young people like me represent themselves. If you have one or more of the following statements in your profile, I probably hate you. In no particular order:

1) People who say "music is my life," but don't play an instrument or sing at all. Kind of lazy, no? Let me clue you in: your only relation to music is that you consume it. You are to TV on the Radio what a geek is to Star Wars: a hobbyist. Don't pretend to understand music you have no idea how to perform or analyze just because you have a humanities degree.

2) People who say they enjoy "eating, hanging out, movies, going out with friends." EVERYONE DOES THESE THINGS. Do you like sleeping? Me too! We should totally hang out!

3) People who say that they hate "fake people and liars." It doesn't help that they usually spell it "liers." Who ARE all these fake people running around that I keep hearing about? If everybody hates fake people, then how can there be anyone left to be fake? Maybe the fake people just don't have Myspace pages. Yeah, that must be it.

4) People with kids. I don't mean to sound like a prude, but when you bring a life into the world, the part of your life that involved Myspace is over. Or at least it should be. It pains me to think of the rearing your child will receive when his mom's profile still lists "clubbing and going out" as interests and has "riding dirty" as its embedded song. And enough with those creepy calendars that tell us how big the kid you are expecting has grown to. I try not to think about what is going on inside a person's body until I've at least met them in person.

(Side note: I haven't seen any yet, but it is inevitable that there will soon be Baby Myspace pages, i.e. mothers setting up accounts for their babies and writing crap like "my mommy is typing this for me" in the "about me" section. These children will have all their relatives and playdates added as friends and will keep their accounts as they grow up and get old enough to use it themselves. They will never remember not having a Myspace page. This makes me fear for our nation's future.)

5) "You either hate me or love me." My attitude towards 99% of the people I meet is "don't give a shit." To presume that you could command either my hatred or affection is incredibly arrogant. It also means you're a drama queen who can't stand to be ignored for five seconds.

6) "wut's up" You goddamned fucking retard. One letter cannot possibly cost you enough time that it's worth sacrificing your dignity.

7) "I believe in (veganism, atheism, satanism, whatever). If you can't handle that, then you don't need to read any further." Pretty much the same as number 5. Stop trying to make your hobby sound like your life's consuming passion; I bet half your friends don't even know about your -ism and they "handle" you just fine. In fact, you're probably writing about it so confrontationally because you don't have the spine to say such things in real life to real people.

8) Jailbait. If you're 15 or under, then do us all a favor and get the fuck off of Myspace. Now. Unless you like long van rides with forty-year-old Harry Potter enthusiasts, no good can come of it. It's not just concern for your safety that makes me say this; you are going through the stupidest years of your life, and broadcasting them into cyberspace. If there was a google-cached copy of all the idiotic things I wrote in my friend's yearbooks, I'd probably want to hang myself. Which brings us to...

9) Dead kids. Wow. You died. That sucks, it really does. Now could one of your surviving relatives have the decency to take your page down? I know it gives your friends a place to type that they "miss u so much" (Jesus the Jew, can't you even spell correctly for your friend's EULOGY?), but you're giving me the creeps, smiling at me from that profile picture like you're still among the living. Exactly how long is your grieving family going to leave that page up? Forever? Forever-ever? Ever-ever? I guess your friends will finally have some closure on your death when they move you out of their top 8. I just really hope that when I die, there won't be an eternal monument to all the terrible bands I liked right before I kicked.

Well, there are more of these, but you get the point. Please, people, remember that these websites are just shrines we set up for ourselves. The more effort you put in to showing the world how unique you are is probably proportionate to your superficiality and egotism. Just tell me enough information to let me know if we could hang out. And don't worry, I'm not a fake person. Or a lier.

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 02:55:31 GMT

Remember this? Or maybe this? Oh, and this. Yeah, we were so cute back in those days.

So who ever would have thought that it would lead to this:

It's official. I am a married man.
I married well and I married up.
My parents are surely proud.

Mon, 15 May 2006 00:48:58 GMT

Friday night Jill went out drinking and partying with the girls to forget about our approaching wedding date. After the Bachelorette Party and the Florida fun, this is my future bride:

I think that she has been spending too much time blowing shit up and not enough with booze.

Sun, 30 Apr 2006 21:08:44 GMT

Livejournal is mostly lame now, but sometimes I get inspired to write something, mostly for myself and the humor it will bring to me later on in life. Granted, I'm grown up now, engaged and soon to be married, holding down a full-time job and being an upstanding member of society and yet part of me longs for those college days where I had no responsibility and as long as I made it home safely after a late night of drinking, nothing to worry about. As most people know, Vince and I were tight... tighter than your little sister, in fact. This all came about because someone wrote a computer system that randomly assigned incoming freshman their roommates and room assignments. Vince and I ended up next door to each other and from that fateful night when he steered me into my own room after I drunkenly stumbled into his, our friendship was sealed. We lived together from that point on in our college career. Vince and I comprised our own little fraternity. We were all the fun without the stupidity, all the stupidity without the orders, all the rituals without the paddling and all the style without the letters. But you never forget the first time that brotherhood crosses the line...

a mere 2 weeks after the Fall 2001 term had started. The night was dark, the heat oppressive, as is pretty standard in Tampa. I was eagerly anticipating my return back to the dorm for a nightcap and maybe a quick round or two of Tekken with Mr. Fairbanks. As the hall grew near, I could feel a smile grow across my face to see my dear friend, Vince hunkered over the desk or sprawled on the floor... studying hard for his Business 201 exam the next morning. I couldn't get in the building fast enough and took the stairs two at a time. I raced down the hallway and finally saw the door, Room 202. I laughed at how much I missed it, it's 66º air conditioning and, of course, Vince. I had only been gone just about an hour, but love tells no time. I inserted the key into the key hole, barely able to contain myself and turned...

I shall never forget the scene that awaited me. In front of my eyes was something that few have ever seen (save Meghan, Amanda and Gina, and probably Heather, Ashley and Erin, maybe Alyssa, the one and only Kim, Bryan too, possibly Corey, of course there was Kelli, Katie definitely, and who could forget that chubby freshman that he refuses to talk about to this day). IT WAS HUGE. I stood in the doorway aghast at what was staring at me. It was not human; it was not of this world. But I digress, let me describe the beast of Trojan proportions. It had to be 17 feet tall, if not 100. It had eyes that of the likes of Satan, Saddam, and Clinton. They looked directly through me. The smirk on this beast will haunt me forever. It was covered barely by a blanket that Vince was fruitlessly trying to hide it under. It whinnied and neighed, fire shot out of its mouth followed by a white sticky substance. It got in my eyes... I was blind, paralyzed. Afraid. And yet, amid the fear I was struck with suddenly clarity - no wonder Vince could bring so many women to their knees. (Accidental pun!) Very few could hope to rival the monstrosity that was before me. Faced with this incredibly awkward situation, I did what any logical college student would do - I cursed myself for not having a camera handy and began jotting down mental notes to relay the story the next day. Then with 5 simple words, "Couldn't get laid tonight, huh?" I promptly crawled into bed and passed out. No nightcap, no Tekken, just sweet, sweet sleep. The next morning I awoke, changed forever...

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 18:26:55 GMT

I have always admired the willpower of anorexics.

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 20:03:55 GMT

I have a very deep-seeded phobia of getting fat.

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 18:04:55 GMT

Everyone should take this to make me feel better about myself.
And then this to make me feel like a jackass.

Oh, and the secret is out. Despite the wonderful advice from the LJ communitiy - we're engaged. Someday Jill and I will make fat little babies with the last name "LaPaglia". I want to name one Butterball.

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 23:27:42 GMT

Before we get to the main issue, I would really like to vent. Once upon a time, Lost was a good show and now it sucks. I have taken the liberty of doing a character breakdown to express my feelings.

Good characters: Sun, Jin, Sayid, Hurley, Eko, Jack (although he can get kind of annoying sometimes, but he's just trying to deal with how annoying everyone else is)
Characters who were getting annoying but went to find their kids: Michael
Characters who died as soon as they were starting to get interesting: Shannon
Characters who died even though they were so hot: Boone
Characters who don't have enough screen time: Sayid and Eko
Characters who used to be pretty but now are very butch and EXTREMELY ANNOYING: Kate
Characters who need to shut up and feed their baby: Claire
Characters who took too much shrapnel during Vietnam and now think all loopy and are old and senile: Locke
Character who keeps redefining himself so he can find somewhere to fit in and has no real personality of his own: Charlie
Character who is going to get written off because she's going to jail in real life, thank God: Ana Lucia
Character who started out annoying, then got kind of loveable, but for absolutely no reason but to make the series longer sucks again: Sawyer
Characters who see beyond race and give the show a lesson in acceptance and who have been banging in the bushes in private since they were reunited so they haven't been seen: Rose and Bernard
Character who probably has all of the answers, if only there was a way to communicate!: Vincent

Thank you. The end. Now, on with the real issue:

Dear LiveJournal,

I have a secret. I was never a woman, but nonetheless the secret is still good. So, shhhh! I have a plan to ask a certain someone a very important question. Well, actually, I don't have a plan. I have a ring, but not a plan and that's why I'm writing to you. Please LiveJournal... what wise suggestions do you have? Vince is not welcomed to respond.

Sincerely,

Your Not-So-Avid LiveJournal User Friend, Sean

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 16:46:51 GMT

The Burger King commercials are scary. That's all there is to it. Some guy who doesn't talk, wears tights, thinks he's a king, and has a plastic head that is three-times too large for his body with a permanent creepy grin just starts popping up. Sometimes he jumps out from behind trees and sometimes he just shows up in your bed. The commercial doesn't show it, but he probably killed that nice lumberjack man with his own saw. And he was probably in the bed because he drugged and raped the guy the night before. That's not right. In the newest commercial, he slowly peeks out from behind a support beam in the skeleton of a skyscraper. It's probably New York and that means they are probably about 985,000x10^2694 feet in the air. And let me tell you, that is the last place I would ever want to meet that guy. He pretends to be a good guy and give the nice black construction worker a cup of coffee, but really, it was just an evil ploy to distract him so that he could PUSH HIM OFF THE BUILDING TO PLUMMET TO HIS DEATH! That is RACIST and entirely uncalled for! And look at his outfit: Velour, tights, frills, fur that he probably clubbed a baby seal to get... I am going to be spending the rest of my day writing a letter to the marketing department for Burger King.

Oh, and:

That is me and I just pissed myself.

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 00:44:28 GMT

My Chinese food was just delivered by a 20-something-year old Indian boy.

I guess they're outsourcing.

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 22:38:43 GMT

Today I saw a bumper sticker that said, "Fuck with me, and you fuck with the whole trailer park."

God, I love Tennessee.

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 23:27:53 GMT

killme with jack: i bite my nails, i smoke cigarettes, i chew on hoodie strings, and i put penis in my mouth
killme with jack: pens
killme with jack: i meant pens

And for the record, Lexi (dylexia) isn't dead. Apparently, she is in Boston, doing graduate work in regenerative medicine, making out with a boy named Kevin on a regular basis, sporting pink and purple streaks in her hair, and looking as hot as ever. See:

And since I'm rocking the picture post, I also found this picture of Jill when she was 15 years old:

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 02:16:07 GMT

Is it just me or did Britney Spears suddenly get ridiculously fat?

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 02:37:53 GMT

My friends are (funny) assholes.

Fri, 24 Jun 2005 20:04:53 GMT

Today, as I was sitting in my underwear and watching some television, I found a movie that made me realize what true fear is and literally encompassed everything that a scary movie should. I was cowering under about a gazillion blankets and seriously considering reworking my budget to include spending for some adult-sized Luvs. And even though I was terrified, I couldn't tear my eyes away from it. A lot of people are freaked out by movies like "It", "The Ring", or "The Exorcist", but honestly kids, I don't remember a scene in any one of those movies being even remotely similar to this:

Now that's some scary ass shit. I mean, midgets are sort of creepy. We all know this. But these guys... they just take it too far. Just look at those creepy little bastards. They're midgets, clowns, and Batman's The Joker all rolled into one creepy package. And do you know what they're doing? Well, I'll tell you what they're doing! They're probably pouring boiling oil onto paralyzed women, defenseless babies, and innocent puppies with cute little wet noses. Look at them! Oh man, are they gross! They're just sitting there all... all short and stuff. They give me the heebie jeebies. Bastards.

Mark my words: I will never let my children watch "Willy Wonka's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". NEVER.

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 20:04:36 GMT

I think after my temporary teaching stint is over I might join the Marine Corps. They would pay me to make myself hot and play with automatic weapons.

Wed, 04 May 2005 01:07:56 GMT

Vince filled out a sex survey and my name is peppered all through it. No wonder I keep thinking I'm gay. But I am his best sexual experience. I rule. Of course, maybe all he's using as comparision is his worst sexual experience, a romp with the Tampa Police Force. Good God, I've heard that story like eighty times and have rights to the screenplay and I still think it's funny... and now all of livejournal land can know it too!

Soon to come: my shameless sex survey. I just hope none of my students stumble across it...

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 02:38:54 GMT

alyssamscott: i'm in a towel
alyssamscott: i'm actually pretty cold
sean eat beans: then you should probably put on some clothing, you slut
alyssamscott: i will when i'm done webcamming
sean eat beans: hey! you'll be done when I say you're done!
sean eat beans: (just give me another 2 minutes)

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 02:37:02 GMT

Today, I was asked to prom.

Sun, 03 Apr 2005 23:31:20 GMT

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm going to be old, but I'm still going to party like it's 1999.

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 04:51:55 GMT

I made a new friend. She's awesome. Here is our first conversation. I have taken the liberty of documenting my thoughts during the conversation.

miss delishis 88: hey
sean eat beans: hello
miss delishis 88: what's up
sean eat beans: are you 88?
miss delishis 88: ur info sez ur walking talking sex so i new we had alot in comon
**I'm sorry, was that English?
miss delishis 88: lol no
sean eat beans: we have a lot in common?
miss delishis 88: lolz yeah
sean eat beans: and if you're not 88, how old are you?
miss delishis 88: 17 in october
sean eat beans: oh, cool
**Can you hear the sarcasm?
miss delishis 88: u?
sean eat beans: 24
miss delishis 88: kewl
miss delishis 88: what's up
sean eat beans: doing my taxes
miss delishis 88: taxes i bet thats taxing!! haha
**Wow, she's clever. Clearly up to par of the people I choose to converse with.
sean eat beans: do you realize that you spelled delicious incorrectly?
miss delishis 88: lol yah
miss delishis 88: its like a joke
sean eat beans: oh, well I'm glad that you told me
miss delishis 88: what r u doing tonite?
**Okay, right about now I'm pissed for three reasons. First off, this girl is interrupting the progress on my taxes. Secondly, she's breaking my concentration on the re-runs of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and lastly, this girl has the worst grasp on the English language I have ever seen
sean eat beans: my taxes
miss delishis 88: all nite?
miss delishis 88: i saw ur pic on lj
**You little stalker!
sean eat beans: no, I have to go to work tomorrow
sean eat beans: oh yeah?
miss delishis 88: u r HOTTT
sean eats beans: I bet you're hot too
**Not a chance
miss delishis 88: where do u work?
sean eat beans: I'm a teacher
miss delishis 88: if taxes dont keep u up all nite i kno what would!!
sean eat beans: what's that?
miss delishis 88: i could do the job
sean eat beans: you could be a teacher, too?
miss delishis 88: hahalolz maybe afeter college
**I don't think this one would get into college...
miss delishis 88: i ment i could keep u up all nite
sean eat beans: that would be illegal
miss delishis 88: oh hush im not gonna tell!
sean eat beans: it wouldn't work anyway; I have a girlfriend
miss delishis 88: anyway ive had older than u
miss delishis 88: o she can watch
miss delishis 88: or help
sean eat beans: you've had older than me?
**By now, in case you haven't noticed, I have developed a way of just repeating what she says in question form. This way, it helps me from actually trying to think of replies to her nonsensical jabbering
miss delishis 88: ;-)
sean eat beans: nah, we're not into that kind of stuff
miss delishis 88: yea my last bf was 26
miss delishis 88: oh r u a virgin?
sean eat beans: yes, I'm a virgin
**Blatant lies
miss delishis 88: lolz
miss delishis 88: no way
sean eat beans: yes way
miss delishis 88: well i think ur lieing
sean eat beans: well, I think that you're lying
miss delishis 88: why?
**Because no self-respecting 26-year-old would date and have sex with a 16-year-old who is such a moron
sean eat beans: well, maybe not lying
sean eat beans: maybe I'm just getting confused by your lack of knowledge for the English language
**Yeah, the whole language thing needs to be addressed
miss delishis 88: i speak english
sean eat beans: not very well
miss delishis 88: and 2 years of french
miss delishis 88: i do alot of things very well
miss delishis 88: i could show u
sean eat beans: could you now?
miss delishis 88: yes
miss delishis 88: rite now
sean eat beans: ferme la bouche
**Admittedly, my grasp of French is somewhat weak, but I think that means "shut up"
miss delishis 88: what?
sean eat beans: I thought you spoke French
**I actally never really believed she comprended the language
miss delishis 88: oh i thought we were talking about sex
sean eat beans: no, you're talking about sex
sean eat beans: I'm doing my taxes
miss delishis 88: want to do mine ? ;-) ;-) ;-)
sean eat beans: I think your parents probably already did them
**That is, if they can figure out how to do such things
miss delishis 88: bet u want some company
sean eat beans: nah, my girlfriend is here
sean eat beans: she's company enough for me
miss delishis 88: i dobt it or u wouldn't be so boring
sean eat beans: well, what can I say? you bring out the best in me
miss delishis 88: let me baby
sean eat beans: maybe later
miss delishis 88: after taxes lol
sean eat beans: yeah, and after you explain me to all the things that we have in common
miss delishis 88: well 2st we both want sex with each other
sean eat beans: oh yeah, definitely
miss delishis 88: and we both eat beans lol
miss delishis 88: jk gross
sean eat beans: uh huh
sean eat beans: oh, yeah way gross
sean eat beans: so we have all these things in common, huh?
miss delishis 88: yeah
sean eat beans: okay, kiddo
sean eat beans: I'm sorry, but what could we possibly have in common?
sean eat beans: other than the fact that I'm 8 years older than you
**And that I can formulate a complete English sentence without sounding like an idiot
miss delishis 88: uh duh
miss delishis 88: i just ansered that question
sean eat beans: refresh my memory
miss delishis 88: we r both liek walking talking SEX
miss delishis 88: and maybe that i'll fuck you lol
**Okay, I've had quite enough. Time to make up a blatantly obvious lie that even she could figure out and use the BLOCK button, which was obviously created for people such as her
sean eat beans: ummm... I have to go paint the neighbor's fence
sean eat beans: bye

I honestly feel stupider for having to partake in such a conversation. I think maybe I'll go read a dictionary.

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 05:11:07 GMT

The cool kids of livejournal are doing it and I yearn so badly to be cool. And everyone better fuckin' answer! EVERYONE.

The question: If you woke up and I was in bed with you, what would be your first thought? Be honest.

I mean, I know what my thoughts would be if I woke up with naked, fat man in the bed beside me...

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 03:59:12 GMT

For the record, Tennessee whores cannot at all compare to the whores of Florida. There are significantly less half-naked old people and the 14-year-olds aren't nearly as slutty. I miss all the slutty sights there were to see in Florida.

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 23:18:11 GMT

Originally, I was supposed to be leaving Tampa tomorrow. However, it was decided that it would be in the best interest of Tampa and its surroundings if I were to party it up one here last time in honors of New Years. So on New Years Eve, I will most likely be found at any of the bars and chill hang-outs in the area. Given enough time, I will probably hit them all. So if you see me, please don't hesitate to say hello because this very well could be my last public appearance. I'll be easy to recognize. I'll be the broke fat guy with the tall and titillating blonde on my arm. Booyah!